so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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