Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
