I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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