Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You ruined the universe
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
