I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize