White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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