I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The beer is more important than you right now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
