can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize