That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
