We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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