Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
