I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
