dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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