My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
