Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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