ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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