I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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