he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize