we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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