i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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