Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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