the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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