two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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