Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
