your parents love me but you hate me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
