There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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