I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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