everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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