I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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