we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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