it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
