He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
God, I missed his penis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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