I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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