Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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