They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We left the knife in your bed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize