how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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