ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
