There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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