just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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