the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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