dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
