What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
