is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
