4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize