forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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