dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
