Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
