I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
