So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We need to get me chipped asap
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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