remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize