i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
