I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
