Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
