You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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