your parents love me but you hate me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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