your parents love me but you hate me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
