Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
