I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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