I hate all girls vehemently.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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