he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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