Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
