So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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