but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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