woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
