How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
