Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
