The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
