Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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