Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
