Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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