I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
